Broken Heart

All night I tossed and turned in my bed,

     I was in so much pain that my heart bled.

I willed the phone to awaken from the dead,

     As I waited for just one little text.

I knew I hurt you, I knew you bled,

    Doesn't mean my tears never shed.

For every lie, every word that I said,

    I wish you knew my love wasn't dead.

I did it for you, the love you felt, 

   With every cell in my heart and head.

Ever since then I have looked for you,

   In crowds, in silence, drowning in despair.

I miss you so much, I want to run out there,

   To make that call, to end this nightmare.

But to make that call, my heart is scared,

   Though to face the hate my mind is prepared.

I will face your hate and the anger you hold,

   I hope that hate gives me the courage to stand up bold.

Whatever is my fate, whatever tomorrow holds,

  My love for you will live till I am old.

My love, my life, I hope you know,

  Till the end of time, my heart and soul is yours.

 
   

Love, Need, and Fear

The look in your eyes,
          Pulls magnetically at me.
Your soft and tender touches,
         Make sensations wash over me.
Every stroke and every touch,
         Induces shivers and makes me weak.
Your lips melding with mine,
         I feel control slowly leave me.
Its a dream come true,
        Waking up next to you.
Tangled sheets, hands and legs,
        The soft embrace in the lovers nest.
Feather light kisses, hugs, and touches,
        Increasing desire, need and wishes.
Loving you and scaling huge peaks,
        Life is peaceful, and beautiful as it can be.
Things are good, and seems like a dream,
        Inspires fear of living life without you near me.
I love you so much, you exist while I breathe,
        Don't ever leave, or destroy the love in me.
You are my friend, you are my hope,
        I exist for you, just stay with me.

Heartbreak ..

When I met you for the first time,
          You decided to hate me for no reason or rhyme.
I then asked you to join me for dinner and wine,
          And you went with me to decide if I am worth a dime.
That is when we started talking and hanging out,
          You let your mind open and feelings branch out.
Slowly it progressed from friendship to attraction,
           And you decided to put your love into action.
I told you it wont work and its not what it seems,
           But you wont listen and you kept following me.
I knew I was foolish, it was too good to be true,
           But your attention was flattering, to you my heart flew.
It was good going all the while I stayed strong,
           No matter how you treated me, right or wrong.
One day I lose it, and show you my weakness,
           You just decide that I am now over any feelings between us.
You prod me, scold me and make me cry,
            You force me to decide on what side am I.
I tell you I am upset and that is not the best course,
          But have you ever considered that my heart could also be sore?
Its always your feelings, its always your love,
          If I ever complain, all you do is yell "holy cow"!!
After months of this treatment I have now snapped,
          I now give up on us coz now my energy is zapped.
I know I cant do it, I cant always be strong,
          Its a two way relation,I am sometimes allowed to be wrong.
But you do not give me that freedom or that space,
         You do not care if I am hurt or am in haze.

All you care is I never hurt your feelings,
         No matter what it does to my heart, soul and being.
I took time off to cool myself down,
        And I then realized that I am not that strong.
I cant keep my feelings bottled up forever,
       But to you I can express them never.
I finally made a choice to let go,
       Not that it is easy or you are easy to forgo.
This time it's over I'm keeping my heart,
        I'm gonna be strong and not fall apart
I hope it'll get better, I'll no longer cry,
        In a couple of weeks I won't want to die.
Somehow I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where or when,
        It could be any season, sunshine or rain.
Though we I part ways with tears in my eyes,

       Your will be in my heart, until then good-bye.

       

Come Kiss Me...

When I see you walking towards me..
          My heart skips a beat.
I want to fling myself into your arms..
          And have you kiss me.
I miss you when your away..
          I miss your breath, your lips.
But when I have you with me..
         I never tell you this.
I wish you knew it yourself..
         And kissed me all the same..
Hold me, kiss me, love me..
        Without playing the word game.

With you in my mind...

I walk down the street with you in my mind,

            Thinking of the time when u were just mine..

The coffees we drank and the souls we bared,

           Whispers of the sweet nothings that we shared...     

Memories are flooding and so are my eyes,

           Thinking of the moments spent beneath these skies...       

I so wanna see you and caress your face,

          Come kiss me till my heart starts to race...

But you keep me waiting and testing my love,

          While memories beckon me and time takes a bow.. 

How long can I hold up and keep up this wait.

          I fear I'll lose you and the loss will be too great...

Please come soon and kiss my fears away..

          Before I give up and mind starts to sway.

I love you so much, this is breaking my heart..

         I cant bear this distance that is keeping us apart...

            

In My Heart You Will Always Be!!

If I say I love you,

           what will you say to me?

Will you come and hold me 

          or will you walk away from me?

Would you hold me in you arms

          and kiss me with all your heart?

Or will you push me away from you 

          and break my little heart?

Will you love me, hold me one more time,

          Will you kiss me baby just one more time?        

All I need is the love you gave,

          Till the end of the time.

All I want is for you to stay,

          And forever be just mine.

I would love to hold you

          and forever make you mine.

I know that we could hold on 

         and have this dance of love for life.

Life may not be as simple,

        May not be what we dream.
This is not what life wants for us,
        Its not what God's planned for you and me.

But know one thing my sugar,

       In my heart you will always be!!

         

Fade into the Horizon

When you look at me, I get lost in your eyes.

When you look at me, you make me feel alive.

When I look into your eyes I feel I am the only person you see.

When you hold my hand I feel the world pass me.

When you hold me in your arms the ground slips from under my feet.

When you kiss me my knees buckle under me.

I wonder at this because I know its all in my mind, mind playing tricks on me.

You may ask what makes me feel so, but have you ever said otherwise?

I don't know what you think or if you feel likewise.

Maybe you do but for someone who is not me.

Such is life and thus we walk on, both you and me,

Exploring our feelings that will fade into the horizon.

The Laptop Saga....

Every person has dreams. Big ones, small ones, simple ones etc. I too have a few. One such dream/ wish was that I should own a laptop. It was the one thing that I really wanted to splurge on when I started earning.

Slowly and steadily I accumulated the amount that I would need to buy a really good laptop. But when I put forth my desire to buy the laptop in front of my mom, she was against it. She said I should save so that I have some cash on me once I move to Chennai after my marriage. You see, she was saying so as I was engaged to be married.

I decided to wait a few more months to fulfill my wish of owning a Laptop. I got married. When I hinted to my hubby about this wish, my hubby said he has a laptop and whats his is mine. I had explained to him saying I know that, but I would still like to fulfill my dream. And he agreed. I was so happy!!!

Our 6 month anniversary was fast approaching. It was almost an unspoken knowledge my hubby would buy me a laptop for the occasion. But alas, a few days before the anniversary some idiot decided to steal my cellphone. So all plans changed and he got me a real nice touch screen cellphone. But my dream of owning a laptop got postponed again.

My hubby said he would get it for my Birthday. So as February approached, i started counting days when my long awaited dream will get fulfilled. That was when my husband and I decided to plan our long due Honeymoon. As we were having a belated Honeymoon we decided to make it as memorable as possible. We were undecided between Far East and Europe. My hubby said if I choose Far east I get the trip and the Laptop. If I choose Europe I will get the trip but the laptop will have to wait. After much debate, I decided, FIRST Honeymoon happens only once. Why settle for less? So I decided that we should go to Europe, the most romantic place in the world. I thought the laptop dream has been postponed so long. Why not a bit more.

We had an awesome and unforgettable trip in Europe. The best FIRST Honeymoon ever :P. After coming back we decided that as my anniversary gift I'll get the Lappie, but a little late, as we had gone on this trip a bit too close to our anniversary time. I agreed.

Then things started spiraling out of control. My hubby got a job in Bangalore and we moved. The last few months since the move I have barely had the time to think of a having my own laptop, a second laptop in our house.

Imagine my surprise when a Laptop landed in my hands in this situation! No the way I wanted it. Not like I purchased it or got my own personal laptop!! There was no time for that. Work hours had worsened, I was barely able to get enough sleep, let alone finding time to play around with a laptop. This was the worse thing I could imagine to have happened at this time. My company decided to provide me with a LAPTOP so that I can work easily at home without having to stay late in office. Ironically, this was something I did not want!

Anyone who thinks this is a blessing, I am sorry to burst your bubble. It was the start of a even worse "Nightmare". Endless hours of work. Sleepless nights, hordes of mails.... Its been a horrible 20 days and the nightmare continues.

The day I got the laptop, my mom commented, "Wow. Now your dream of having your own laptop is fulfilled". I did not know how to react. It was too early to comment. But after 2 continuous sleepless nights I decided I was right in not wanting the Laptop. I went to return it to my manager and he refused to take it back. After loads of discussion, its been decided that I can return it after the current project gets over. I cannot wait to give the laptop back. Now a days I feel one laptop at home is enough, specially if the second laptop is given by your company!!!

I wanted a laptop, I got one. Maybe not the way I wanted it, not like my own personal laptop. If it had been a personal one I would have loved the fact that I realized a dream of mine. But a company laptop never means fulfilling a dream, it only means that we will henceforth have no time to have dreams. So no question of fulfilling them!! The words "your laptop" fills me with dread and apprehension. It fills me with fear of longer working hours, loss of sleep and more work! All this because my company decided to break some rules, be nice and give me, a fresher, a laptop! I wonder if they know how they have made me dread one of the few words that I cherished. After all it was a dream for me.

I know that buying a personal laptop is way different from this situation. And I still hope to have my very own laptop. I just do not want it to be given to me by my company!!!

Lost in Pain

We often walk into people we knew and vaguely remember from our past. People who no longer look the same as we knew them. I was in a similar situation recently...

I saw her walking towards me and i knew it was someone I knew. It was a familiar face for sure. But something very different too.. I smiled at her tentatively while i walked towards her and saw her return a tentative smile in my direction.. But there was something horribly wrong with that.. There was something really wrong with her smiling that way.. I tried to figure out what was disturbing me about her smile and trying to place her in my mind while walking towards her..

Suddenly pieces of memories swept past my mind.. It was that same girl smiling.. Then another memory with her face glowing while she was with her best friends... Then another with her laughing at something.. And then it struck me.. I realized why her smile was all wrong.. It never reached her eyes.. HER EYES...

That was when i saw her eyes carefully.. It horrified me to be staring at two bottomless pools of pain, loss, hurt, want, loneliness and deep need for someone to hold her and tell her everything is fine. She is going to be fine...It was as if i could feel her pain.. It felt like she was calling me to soothe her hurt.. It was like she was making me share her pain so that I can ease it for her.. I wanted to touch her And give her a nice big hug while she cried.. To make her feel wanted.. cared..to just hold her..

It was such a shock to see everything that was not her(the person i knew) in her eyes that tears started flowing down my cheeks.. I looked up to see tears flowing down her face too.. I reached out to touch her face... The minute I did that I felt like i had been slapped across my face..
Even as I reeled from the impact of that shock I realized that all this while the girl I was staring at was me.. I had touched the mirror..

Horrified I stared at the girl who I did not know.. I was staring at myself.. Eyes mirroring intense pain and lots of broken wishes and dreams.. It portrayed a broken and hollow girl with a broken life,broken heart and lots of broken desires and dreams.. And all I wondered was how no one else saw this pain.. Why did no one try to soothe her pain.. Why was no one holding her gently while she let her fears and pain out.. Why no one was making her feel better even if it only meant holding her while she cried??

Maybe because she has camouflaged her pain behind her anger and silence..Maybe because even when she wants to scream and cry she has hid it all behind a facade of silence..
I knew I would never get answers to these questions.. I knew I could do nothing but watch the girl cry in front of me ... I watched her in silence.. All the while tears pouring down my face too.. Waiting for the pain to decrease.. Waiting for the clouds to spread out a bit and bring some sunshine..waiting for someone to tell her she'll be fine..that everything will be fine.. some love..some hope in her life.. In my life.. I wait.. I wait..

memories..

When i saw this poem i knew that they were the words that were embedded in my mind about my friends. It goes as follows:

Within my book of memories,
Are special thoughts of you.
And all the many nice things
You often say and do -

As I turn the pages,
And recall each single thought,
I realize the happiness
That knowing you have brought.

There are memories of the times we've shared
Both bright and sunny days.
There are memories of your kindness
And your friendly thoughtful ways.



There are memories of all those notes,
we would write back and forth,
When we would just get together,
And talk of this or that.

And when I recall these memories
As I go along life's way,
I find they grow more precious still
With every passing day.

It bought back memories of the beautiful,happy,sad,angry and loved moments of my life that I spent with my friends. I think it'll do the same to everyone who reads it..
:)