In My Heart You Will Always Be!!

If I say I love you,

           what will you say to me?

Will you come and hold me 

          or will you walk away from me?

Would you hold me in you arms

          and kiss me with all your heart?

Or will you push me away from you 

          and break my little heart?

Will you love me, hold me one more time,

          Will you kiss me baby just one more time?        

All I need is the love you gave,

          Till the end of the time.

All I want is for you to stay,

          And forever be just mine.

I would love to hold you

          and forever make you mine.

I know that we could hold on 

         and have this dance of love for life.

Life may not be as simple,

        May not be what we dream.
This is not what life wants for us,
        Its not what God's planned for you and me.

But know one thing my sugar,

       In my heart you will always be!!

         

Fade into the Horizon

When you look at me, I get lost in your eyes.

When you look at me, you make me feel alive.

When I look into your eyes I feel I am the only person you see.

When you hold my hand I feel the world pass me.

When you hold me in your arms the ground slips from under my feet.

When you kiss me my knees buckle under me.

I wonder at this because I know its all in my mind, mind playing tricks on me.

You may ask what makes me feel so, but have you ever said otherwise?

I don't know what you think or if you feel likewise.

Maybe you do but for someone who is not me.

Such is life and thus we walk on, both you and me,

Exploring our feelings that will fade into the horizon.

The Laptop Saga....

Every person has dreams. Big ones, small ones, simple ones etc. I too have a few. One such dream/ wish was that I should own a laptop. It was the one thing that I really wanted to splurge on when I started earning.

Slowly and steadily I accumulated the amount that I would need to buy a really good laptop. But when I put forth my desire to buy the laptop in front of my mom, she was against it. She said I should save so that I have some cash on me once I move to Chennai after my marriage. You see, she was saying so as I was engaged to be married.

I decided to wait a few more months to fulfill my wish of owning a Laptop. I got married. When I hinted to my hubby about this wish, my hubby said he has a laptop and whats his is mine. I had explained to him saying I know that, but I would still like to fulfill my dream. And he agreed. I was so happy!!!

Our 6 month anniversary was fast approaching. It was almost an unspoken knowledge my hubby would buy me a laptop for the occasion. But alas, a few days before the anniversary some idiot decided to steal my cellphone. So all plans changed and he got me a real nice touch screen cellphone. But my dream of owning a laptop got postponed again.

My hubby said he would get it for my Birthday. So as February approached, i started counting days when my long awaited dream will get fulfilled. That was when my husband and I decided to plan our long due Honeymoon. As we were having a belated Honeymoon we decided to make it as memorable as possible. We were undecided between Far East and Europe. My hubby said if I choose Far east I get the trip and the Laptop. If I choose Europe I will get the trip but the laptop will have to wait. After much debate, I decided, FIRST Honeymoon happens only once. Why settle for less? So I decided that we should go to Europe, the most romantic place in the world. I thought the laptop dream has been postponed so long. Why not a bit more.

We had an awesome and unforgettable trip in Europe. The best FIRST Honeymoon ever :P. After coming back we decided that as my anniversary gift I'll get the Lappie, but a little late, as we had gone on this trip a bit too close to our anniversary time. I agreed.

Then things started spiraling out of control. My hubby got a job in Bangalore and we moved. The last few months since the move I have barely had the time to think of a having my own laptop, a second laptop in our house.

Imagine my surprise when a Laptop landed in my hands in this situation! No the way I wanted it. Not like I purchased it or got my own personal laptop!! There was no time for that. Work hours had worsened, I was barely able to get enough sleep, let alone finding time to play around with a laptop. This was the worse thing I could imagine to have happened at this time. My company decided to provide me with a LAPTOP so that I can work easily at home without having to stay late in office. Ironically, this was something I did not want!

Anyone who thinks this is a blessing, I am sorry to burst your bubble. It was the start of a even worse "Nightmare". Endless hours of work. Sleepless nights, hordes of mails.... Its been a horrible 20 days and the nightmare continues.

The day I got the laptop, my mom commented, "Wow. Now your dream of having your own laptop is fulfilled". I did not know how to react. It was too early to comment. But after 2 continuous sleepless nights I decided I was right in not wanting the Laptop. I went to return it to my manager and he refused to take it back. After loads of discussion, its been decided that I can return it after the current project gets over. I cannot wait to give the laptop back. Now a days I feel one laptop at home is enough, specially if the second laptop is given by your company!!!

I wanted a laptop, I got one. Maybe not the way I wanted it, not like my own personal laptop. If it had been a personal one I would have loved the fact that I realized a dream of mine. But a company laptop never means fulfilling a dream, it only means that we will henceforth have no time to have dreams. So no question of fulfilling them!! The words "your laptop" fills me with dread and apprehension. It fills me with fear of longer working hours, loss of sleep and more work! All this because my company decided to break some rules, be nice and give me, a fresher, a laptop! I wonder if they know how they have made me dread one of the few words that I cherished. After all it was a dream for me.

I know that buying a personal laptop is way different from this situation. And I still hope to have my very own laptop. I just do not want it to be given to me by my company!!!

Lost in Pain

We often walk into people we knew and vaguely remember from our past. People who no longer look the same as we knew them. I was in a similar situation recently...

I saw her walking towards me and i knew it was someone I knew. It was a familiar face for sure. But something very different too.. I smiled at her tentatively while i walked towards her and saw her return a tentative smile in my direction.. But there was something horribly wrong with that.. There was something really wrong with her smiling that way.. I tried to figure out what was disturbing me about her smile and trying to place her in my mind while walking towards her..

Suddenly pieces of memories swept past my mind.. It was that same girl smiling.. Then another memory with her face glowing while she was with her best friends... Then another with her laughing at something.. And then it struck me.. I realized why her smile was all wrong.. It never reached her eyes.. HER EYES...

That was when i saw her eyes carefully.. It horrified me to be staring at two bottomless pools of pain, loss, hurt, want, loneliness and deep need for someone to hold her and tell her everything is fine. She is going to be fine...It was as if i could feel her pain.. It felt like she was calling me to soothe her hurt.. It was like she was making me share her pain so that I can ease it for her.. I wanted to touch her And give her a nice big hug while she cried.. To make her feel wanted.. cared..to just hold her..

It was such a shock to see everything that was not her(the person i knew) in her eyes that tears started flowing down my cheeks.. I looked up to see tears flowing down her face too.. I reached out to touch her face... The minute I did that I felt like i had been slapped across my face..
Even as I reeled from the impact of that shock I realized that all this while the girl I was staring at was me.. I had touched the mirror..

Horrified I stared at the girl who I did not know.. I was staring at myself.. Eyes mirroring intense pain and lots of broken wishes and dreams.. It portrayed a broken and hollow girl with a broken life,broken heart and lots of broken desires and dreams.. And all I wondered was how no one else saw this pain.. Why did no one try to soothe her pain.. Why was no one holding her gently while she let her fears and pain out.. Why no one was making her feel better even if it only meant holding her while she cried??

Maybe because she has camouflaged her pain behind her anger and silence..Maybe because even when she wants to scream and cry she has hid it all behind a facade of silence..
I knew I would never get answers to these questions.. I knew I could do nothing but watch the girl cry in front of me ... I watched her in silence.. All the while tears pouring down my face too.. Waiting for the pain to decrease.. Waiting for the clouds to spread out a bit and bring some sunshine..waiting for someone to tell her she'll be fine..that everything will be fine.. some love..some hope in her life.. In my life.. I wait.. I wait..

memories..

When i saw this poem i knew that they were the words that were embedded in my mind about my friends. It goes as follows:

Within my book of memories,
Are special thoughts of you.
And all the many nice things
You often say and do -

As I turn the pages,
And recall each single thought,
I realize the happiness
That knowing you have brought.

There are memories of the times we've shared
Both bright and sunny days.
There are memories of your kindness
And your friendly thoughtful ways.



There are memories of all those notes,
we would write back and forth,
When we would just get together,
And talk of this or that.

And when I recall these memories
As I go along life's way,
I find they grow more precious still
With every passing day.

It bought back memories of the beautiful,happy,sad,angry and loved moments of my life that I spent with my friends. I think it'll do the same to everyone who reads it..
:)

a tribute..

While I wait in this fork of life... While the roads between us separated ..I stood there trying to summon some bad memory which will make this easier..

But all i could think of was "The beautiful memories.. The long phone talks.. The shyness.. The need.. The holding of hands..The tears.. The warm hugs.. The fights.. The wonderful time we had making up for these fights.. The promises.. The walks on the beach.. The fun filled lunches and dinners.. The night outs.. The possessiveness.. The protectiveness.."

And today while i stand here.. I realize that though we don't have the happiness of being together.. Maybe because it was not meant to be.. or maybe because we are making way into the world... I know one thing for sure.. That even as we walk our separate ways today.. And even if we find new directions in life.. We will remain close friends forever.. And these memories are gonna be there in my heart and mind forever.. :)




















Like they say.. "Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"..Its the same with friends.. Its better to have had friends than to never have had them of the fear that we might get hurt..Because friends give you the feeling of being loved and cherished... Because then you know what it is to be cared for by people other than family.. To be loved.. And cherished :) I love my friends.. And vice versa :).. Right guys??

Love u guys..

Kriti

First Step..

I was walking along the beach.. Wondering about where my future was leading.. Torn between wanting to study further and my job.. Little did I know in a couple of days there would be something else.. rather someone else occupying my thoughts!!

Just to occupy my mind.. I sat on the beach n surfed a bit on my laptop.. And that was when I saw him for d first time.. His smile!! my god.. I melted all the way down to my toes when i saw that smile. There was something about his smile that made me want to know him...Even in these snaps that my mom sent me.. The little upturn of this lips forming a small smile made me think about a person who is sweet n straightforward.. That smile....

The next step was to talk to him.. But how?? With a million miles between us there was no possibility of us meeting or talking in person.. So i choose the next medium.. Internet.. I was already warming up and liking him just by looking at the snaps.. I kept thinking what would he be like when we talk.. And then he called me for a chat.. And what do i say about our first conversation.. I guess i can say that it was kind of enough to tell me that he's THE ONE.. :)














After that i guess one thing snowballed to another.. And before i knew it we are engaged.. :) All this in just 2 weeks.. Plus the fact that we have not met in person.. We will probably meet just before the wedding.. Shocking as it may sound :P.. But i guess m right when i say he's the one for me.. Also i think he feels the same about me..

Over time the liking has started developing into stronger feelings.. And I am hoping that It'll grow stronger each day.. Probably when I am 60 I'll write a blog post saying how happy I am.. and how crazily in love I am with my hubby.. and him with me :)..About how his smile makes me happy and fills my life with sunshine..

This article is dedicated to my would be hubby :)

Expectations..

All day,all night I waited with the phone in my hand..Waiting for one phone call telling me that you are ok.. All i kept thinking was 'Why is the phone not ringing? How do i know whats happened?' All night i sit and think why people forget? Why cant they for once do what i asked for when I do so much for them.. All night i sit fighting "Disappointment"..

In this fast life people face disappointment all too often. And usually its not because of lack of hard work or something similar.. Its mostly because people EXPECT..

"Expectations"..Such a small word. But it holds such a huge meaning. The weight this word has is magnified ten folds when it comes to people and life. When u expect something and it does not work out we feel disappointed. Sometimes its not just about Disappointment. It amounts to fading friendship.. Heart breaks.. Such things break the morale of a person.

I know so many people who would give their life for friends and people they love. And without thinking or meaning to they expect the same from others.. The people they love. And if that does not work out then they feel let down. They feel betrayed and unloved. It may not even be something so serious.. Even then.. And when expectations lead to disappointment it drives people away from the people who hurt them.. knowingly or unknowingly..

I have always been the kind of person who gives my 100% to every friend .. every relation.. And there was a time when i used to expect people to respond in kind.. And most of the times people never responded in any way.. Let alone respond the way i want them to.. It used to hurt.. Make me cry.. Feel like yelling at them and telling them that they are selfish and they hurt me.. There have been times when i have told people about it too. But more often than not i have gotten the reply " You expect too much and hence get hurt!!"

When talking did not work I decided to stay away from the people who can hurt me.. But then i realized that people who can hurt me are the people i love the most.. How to stay away from them?? So the saga of expecting and getting hurt continued..

Till one day..When i realized that I am unhappy because i expect people to be what I am. And its not possible.

And to run away from these people or not feeling or not letting ourselves feel is not the solution..
The best solution is to give the people you love your best..And not expect much in return..It may not be easy in the beginning. It was not easy for me. But today i have learned to expect less from the people i love. And in case i do expect, the realization that 'expected things are not always fulfilled' has helped me be less disappointed. Now i get less hurt and disappointed. I am learning to deal with it. So can everyone else.. :)

This is probably the place where we can say that " U give your best and don't expect anything in return".. Trust me you'll be happier..

Kriti

Abuse Psychology

For ages we have heard stories of abused people.. mainly Women and Children. Horrid stories about battered women, children with cigarette marks etc. have been publicized by newspapers, news channels and television. Admittedly these are one of the major forms of abuse there are much more subtler and devastating ones.

All through my life I have read about only physical abuse which is visible to naked eye. But a couple of days back I read a book about abuse and discovered the various other ways in which women and children are tortured. The methods were all so subtle that no one would ever think they were being abused.


As i read the book i realized that I have seen this happen in day to day life around me too. And I was very sure that no one ever realized it either. In a country like India where women find it difficult to stand up against visible abuse I am sure that the subtle forms would surely go undiscovered.

So i thought why not tell people about some of the subtle forms so that we can help people who go through it??

Most of the times Women and children are physically abused they at least realize what is happening to them. But they always assume whatever is happening to them is their fault. The abuser makes them feel like they deserve to be punished. Imagine the emotional trauma they must go through!!There are numerous episodes mentioned my the media in which we read about battered women, burnt children. Do they really deserve it? What have the children done? Or even the women?

Now if this was bad then think..
There are people,men and women both, who are possessive and like isolating their lovers from the world. They fight with their lovers over small issues regarding their friends and family. Slowly and steadily they make sure that their lover has no one but them in their life!! This makes the person totally dependent on them for all the attention required by them.. for all the emotional help.

I'll share some of these cases that i have brushed past.. There was this couple i knew who used to hang around with each other all the time. All those who knew them thought they were a couple made in heaven and all that.. But there was something infinitely sad in the eyes of the girl in that relationship. Slowly when we tried to draw her out for movies or something else she always claimed she was busy or meeting her boyfriend or something. Then our casual observing resulted in us stumbling across a major abuse relationship!! We saw that her boyfriend did his best to not let her talk to her friends or make new friends.He never let her follow her passions or hobbies. If she wanted to go out it had to be with him and no one else!! She was trapped in a claustrophobic relation and yet she thought he loved her and she was lucky. No matter what people told her she simply denied that her boyfriend abused her. He used to control her all the time. Everything she did!! And if she tried to do something that he did not like then he would hurt her emotionally by calling her things like "his property", "trash" and worser things!! She was so emotionally distraught and broken.It took us almost a year to get her away from the guy. And even after that she used to have moments when she wanted to go back due to guilt.

There are people who deliberately put their friends,lover or spouse down and make them feel as if they would be nothing if not for their support. This breaks a person morally. I have seen people who are isolated . I have seen how they feel when they are isolated and how they believe that they are in this position because thats what they deserve!! And the worse part is the abused never realize they are being abused.

This kind of abuse breaks a person emotionally and makes them feel like they are nothing. It takes immense courage to leave such a relation and for that they need help. This was just one incident which i have portrayed in a subtle manner. There are so many more which are worser.




Even if we see someone being abused and we try to tell them about it they'll simply enter denial mode. They need help and friends and lot of support. But even that'll help only if they want to help themselves.

Despite all these problems I guess its our duty to try and make the abused realize that they are being treated badly. And give them the support they need. After that it depends on them to be able to break the bond and make the dash to freedom. Even when they do make it to freedom there are times when people feel guilty for leaving.

One can only hope that as time passes people will be able to recognize and help such victims from the life of abuse. And that the abused have the courage to identify, accept and make it to safety.

I have only mentioned about this unseen torture in about 100 words. and I am sure that it does not do adequate justice to the importance of alerting the people about this. But if all u people who read this feel that I am right in saying that this issue needs to be addressed and if u have yourselves seen such victims then please spread the word.

All of u can also read the book written by Danielle Steel called "journey". Its about a successful married couple who look happy to the world. But as the lady joins a group to help abused people she realizes that she is one of the abused. Its a beautiful book which tells us about the painful journey she endures to accept and finally leave her husband for her safety.

This can happen amongst friends, family and spouses too.Amongst people you know. Please try and help all those around you by staying alert, as u never know who might need help.

Kriti

An Introduction....

Hey everybody..

I used to maintain a diary but then thought starting a blog would be better as i will have u all to help me improve in expressing my thoughts.

This blog is my attempt in brining my thoughts in public where people can read my thoughts, experiences and moods.

hope it works out for this piscean soul :)

kriti